Yesterday I put in notice at my job. My last day of work will be May 4th. I'll be taking the remaining 12 hours needed to finish my degree over the two summer sessions, and I'll be graduated with my BA by mid-August!
It's a bit nerve-wracking to be unemployed for the first time in about 17 years. I've been continuously employed for all that time. I've always had another job lined up before I quit the current one, so this is a little scary. But it's also very exciting to feel as if the future is wide open for me.
As soon as I finish the BA, I'll be moving to Austin, starting my new life with melomel, and enrolling in grad school at UT. The future is looking very bright indeed!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I'm such a slacker, and other musings...
I'll take any excuse not to do what I need to be doing. I should have gone to work yesterday, but the ex called to see if they could come by and unload more stuff. So I stayed here and watched them load stuff up, and bs'd with them a bit.
He still says they'll be paying off my truck and giving me some money toward the joint debt I've already paid off. I believe him on the truck because he needs me to sign off on putting his vehicle in his name only, so he has an incentive to pay mine off as well. I believe he has intentions to give me more, but I'm not holding my breath. If it doesn't happen I won't be disappointed, and if it actually does happen I'll be pleasantly surprised.
He's talking about wanting to take the dogs back with him again when they get their place in NM or CO. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, he'll have a large property in the mountains for them to live on. On the other, I'll miss them terribly. But three large dogs are a major handful for one person who's trying to go to school and completely rearrange her life. I know they'd be well cared for - his fiance is a veterinarian, and he'd give his life for those dogs.
The same reasoning I gave for him bringing them back to me is about to apply in the other direction. My life is about to be in major flux. I don't know where I'm going to be living, or how long I'll be in any one place. I won't have a lot of time to spend with them - I already don't spend enough time with them as it is. As much as I don't want to admit this, it may be better for him to take them with him once he has a permanent home for them. I don't want to let them go - but I'm afraid I'll only be keeping them with me for my own selfish reasons, and not truly considering what's best for them.
He still says they'll be paying off my truck and giving me some money toward the joint debt I've already paid off. I believe him on the truck because he needs me to sign off on putting his vehicle in his name only, so he has an incentive to pay mine off as well. I believe he has intentions to give me more, but I'm not holding my breath. If it doesn't happen I won't be disappointed, and if it actually does happen I'll be pleasantly surprised.
He's talking about wanting to take the dogs back with him again when they get their place in NM or CO. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, he'll have a large property in the mountains for them to live on. On the other, I'll miss them terribly. But three large dogs are a major handful for one person who's trying to go to school and completely rearrange her life. I know they'd be well cared for - his fiance is a veterinarian, and he'd give his life for those dogs.
The same reasoning I gave for him bringing them back to me is about to apply in the other direction. My life is about to be in major flux. I don't know where I'm going to be living, or how long I'll be in any one place. I won't have a lot of time to spend with them - I already don't spend enough time with them as it is. As much as I don't want to admit this, it may be better for him to take them with him once he has a permanent home for them. I don't want to let them go - but I'm afraid I'll only be keeping them with me for my own selfish reasons, and not truly considering what's best for them.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Waiting
I hate waiting. For people, for things, for events to unfold... whatever it is, I hate waiting. Especially when I don't know how long something is going to take. If I have an ETA, it's not so bad. But if I'm waiting indefinitely for something that I know is going to happen, just not when, it drives me crazy.
Anticipation can be a good thing in those cases where I do know when something is going to happen. It can give the days and hours leading up to it a certain energy, a little more flavor. Of course it can also cause a certain level of anxiety if there's an unknown outcome.
Right now I have several things I'm waiting on. Some are known outcome (as much as we can ever know what the future holds), but unknown timeframe. Others are known timeframe, but unknown outcome. They're all driving me a little crazy right now. But I have to say, my days are definitely full flavor and energy.
Anticipation can be a good thing in those cases where I do know when something is going to happen. It can give the days and hours leading up to it a certain energy, a little more flavor. Of course it can also cause a certain level of anxiety if there's an unknown outcome.
Right now I have several things I'm waiting on. Some are known outcome (as much as we can ever know what the future holds), but unknown timeframe. Others are known timeframe, but unknown outcome. They're all driving me a little crazy right now. But I have to say, my days are definitely full flavor and energy.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Depression is funny
After having a great weekend trip to San Marcos to see my family, and a very successful date with someone in Austin that I'm looking forward to spending more time with whenever I'm down that way, you'd think I'd be happy... yet I find myself slipping toward depression.
I think it's because I'm in limbo right now. I have to finish this semester before I can consider moving, but I'm probably going to be here until the end of this year while finishing school and packing up house to make the move. Knowing that I have to continue for an undetermined time in a job I don't care about is like a dead weight on my shoulders. I think it's the perception of my helplessness to make the changes I want to make now that is sending me on that downward spiral. I'm finally looking toward a future that isn't bleak, and I want to get to it right now!
So I'm committing myself now to doing at least one thing every day to reach one of my goals. It could be working out to work on my goal of getting more fit. Or, I can perform some task related to my ultimate relocation, such as putting something up for sale on eBay, or packing up some things I know I won't be using anytime soon, or going through things and deciding what to donate or discard, or researching information for my enrollment in grad school. I have so many things I can be working on right now that will make relocating much easier if I get them done ahead of time. I tend to do better at things that I'm avoiding (for whatever reason) if I commit myself publicly to them, so here it is.
I think it's because I'm in limbo right now. I have to finish this semester before I can consider moving, but I'm probably going to be here until the end of this year while finishing school and packing up house to make the move. Knowing that I have to continue for an undetermined time in a job I don't care about is like a dead weight on my shoulders. I think it's the perception of my helplessness to make the changes I want to make now that is sending me on that downward spiral. I'm finally looking toward a future that isn't bleak, and I want to get to it right now!
So I'm committing myself now to doing at least one thing every day to reach one of my goals. It could be working out to work on my goal of getting more fit. Or, I can perform some task related to my ultimate relocation, such as putting something up for sale on eBay, or packing up some things I know I won't be using anytime soon, or going through things and deciding what to donate or discard, or researching information for my enrollment in grad school. I have so many things I can be working on right now that will make relocating much easier if I get them done ahead of time. I tend to do better at things that I'm avoiding (for whatever reason) if I commit myself publicly to them, so here it is.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Thoughts on risk
I've had a few conversations with different people lately about taking risks. I was never one to take risks in the past. Fear has kept me from doing a lot of things over the years. I often wonder where I would be in life had I taken some of those risks. My desire for security, safety, and stability ultimately led me down a path that ended in a place I really don't want to be.
A few years ago, the director of the department I worked in decided that we all needed to read a book called Who Moved My Cheese?. Now I'm usually the first one to scoff at such books, and would never have been caught reading it voluntarily. But it was mandatory, so I read it. And it was every bit as cheesy as I expected. Okay, bad pun... let's all groan together now.
As silly as it was though, its basic message was actually quite good. There were a lot of stupid little sayings in it, and the reason we were reading it was to try to improve morale in a horribly managed department. However, it did make a difference in my life - no matter how much I hate to say so. One of the messages has stuck with me ever since... "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
Ironically, not very long after we read that book, I got an attractive offer to go to work for another company. I hesitated at first, having almost five years at my current job. I was comfortable with my duties, and was extremely good at my job. I knew I was safe there. The new job offered better pay and benefits, and a better potential for advancement - but it also offered the potential for failure. And then I asked myself what I would do if I wasn't afraid. I took the job.
While I have ultimately realized I don't want to do this job, I'm still supremely glad I took it. I've enjoyed working for this company, and these people - much more than where I was - and it's been a great boost to my confidence to know I can excel here as much as at my previous job. I've just come to realize that I don't want to work in this industry, or for Corporate America in general. Hence my decision to pursue grad school once I'm able to finish paying down my debt.
Of course grad school carries its own set of risks... and I'm both excited by the idea, and terrified by it. But I know it will be good for me. That's been my mantra for quite some time now - what scares me is good for me. Obviously there are some times when fear is an appropriate response... but if the only reason I can come up with for not doing something is that it's scary, well that's not good enough.
I've been working under this premise for some time now - definitely since I split with my ex, but I've been gradually taking more and more risks ever since I read that stupid little book. After the ex left, I began to almost systematically go after my fears and inhibitions. Instead of just retreating from something that scares me, I now try to stop and ask myself why I'm afraid, and what I would do if I wasn't.
The expressway may be safer and better maintained, and will probably get you there faster, but it's not nearly as interesting as the smaller highways and back country roads. Just as I've always looked for the little dotted lines signifying smaller roads on maps when I'm traveling for pleasure, I've started looking for those little dotted lines on the road map of my life. Choosing the less risky path may be safer, but you miss out on so much really cool stuff.
A few years ago, the director of the department I worked in decided that we all needed to read a book called Who Moved My Cheese?. Now I'm usually the first one to scoff at such books, and would never have been caught reading it voluntarily. But it was mandatory, so I read it. And it was every bit as cheesy as I expected. Okay, bad pun... let's all groan together now.
As silly as it was though, its basic message was actually quite good. There were a lot of stupid little sayings in it, and the reason we were reading it was to try to improve morale in a horribly managed department. However, it did make a difference in my life - no matter how much I hate to say so. One of the messages has stuck with me ever since... "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
Ironically, not very long after we read that book, I got an attractive offer to go to work for another company. I hesitated at first, having almost five years at my current job. I was comfortable with my duties, and was extremely good at my job. I knew I was safe there. The new job offered better pay and benefits, and a better potential for advancement - but it also offered the potential for failure. And then I asked myself what I would do if I wasn't afraid. I took the job.
While I have ultimately realized I don't want to do this job, I'm still supremely glad I took it. I've enjoyed working for this company, and these people - much more than where I was - and it's been a great boost to my confidence to know I can excel here as much as at my previous job. I've just come to realize that I don't want to work in this industry, or for Corporate America in general. Hence my decision to pursue grad school once I'm able to finish paying down my debt.
Of course grad school carries its own set of risks... and I'm both excited by the idea, and terrified by it. But I know it will be good for me. That's been my mantra for quite some time now - what scares me is good for me. Obviously there are some times when fear is an appropriate response... but if the only reason I can come up with for not doing something is that it's scary, well that's not good enough.
I've been working under this premise for some time now - definitely since I split with my ex, but I've been gradually taking more and more risks ever since I read that stupid little book. After the ex left, I began to almost systematically go after my fears and inhibitions. Instead of just retreating from something that scares me, I now try to stop and ask myself why I'm afraid, and what I would do if I wasn't.
The expressway may be safer and better maintained, and will probably get you there faster, but it's not nearly as interesting as the smaller highways and back country roads. Just as I've always looked for the little dotted lines signifying smaller roads on maps when I'm traveling for pleasure, I've started looking for those little dotted lines on the road map of my life. Choosing the less risky path may be safer, but you miss out on so much really cool stuff.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Chickadees
What is it about the sound of a chickadee's call that always makes me smile? I can't think of any other bird song that has the same effect. I love hearing bird calls of all types - can sit listening to them much longer than anyone I may be with cares to usually - but none will put an instant grin on my face like the chickadee.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Why do I put my demons on display?
I've had more than one person tell me they think it's brave of me to put myself and my demons out to the general public in the way that I do here. I suppose I can see why they'd think it brave, but it really doesn't feel that way.
It does lead me to wonder why I feel compelled to put my demons on display. Obviously I get something out of it... we rarely continue doing anything in our lives that doesn't reward us in some way or another. But what exactly? It's not as if my posts here always paint me in a positive light. Far from it. I'm always somewhat surprised when someone tells me they've read my blog, and are still interested in getting to know me. I generally want to ask them, "You do realize how screwed up I am, don't you?" But, as I was recently discussing with someone... I've come to realize that everyone is "absolutely bat-fuck bonkers" (his words). We're all just crazy in different ways.
So why the compulsion to lay my psyche bare to the world? There are a couple of things I can think of... First, I've always been able to work things out better when I journal them. And this is basically an online journal. It works better than carrying a paper one around because I can post to it from anywhere as long as I have either my phone and a signal, or internet access. And second, by exposing these thoughts to the light of day, I weaken their grasp on me. It is because I've put all this out in the public blogosphere that I've realized that everyone has demons. Many, many people have read these posts - both friends and strangers - and the only feedback I've ever received has been supportive and complimentary, or commiserating or concurring with what I've written. (How d'ya like that for alliteration?)
I link to this blog in my profile on an online dating site - a move that the same someone referenced previously described as "a little heavy." Although it is less a desire to be honest, as he suggested, as it is a bit of a shortcut. This is me. It's not the entire me, but I think anyone who has read much of it has a fairly good impression of the sort of person I am - at least part of who I am. It provides some of my back story... the sorts of details someone could spend months learning about me. Also, if someone has taken the time to read much of this, and still wants to get to know me - perhaps even wants to know me more after reading it - they're probably more likely to be interested for the right reasons.
It does lead me to wonder why I feel compelled to put my demons on display. Obviously I get something out of it... we rarely continue doing anything in our lives that doesn't reward us in some way or another. But what exactly? It's not as if my posts here always paint me in a positive light. Far from it. I'm always somewhat surprised when someone tells me they've read my blog, and are still interested in getting to know me. I generally want to ask them, "You do realize how screwed up I am, don't you?" But, as I was recently discussing with someone... I've come to realize that everyone is "absolutely bat-fuck bonkers" (his words). We're all just crazy in different ways.
So why the compulsion to lay my psyche bare to the world? There are a couple of things I can think of... First, I've always been able to work things out better when I journal them. And this is basically an online journal. It works better than carrying a paper one around because I can post to it from anywhere as long as I have either my phone and a signal, or internet access. And second, by exposing these thoughts to the light of day, I weaken their grasp on me. It is because I've put all this out in the public blogosphere that I've realized that everyone has demons. Many, many people have read these posts - both friends and strangers - and the only feedback I've ever received has been supportive and complimentary, or commiserating or concurring with what I've written. (How d'ya like that for alliteration?)
I link to this blog in my profile on an online dating site - a move that the same someone referenced previously described as "a little heavy." Although it is less a desire to be honest, as he suggested, as it is a bit of a shortcut. This is me. It's not the entire me, but I think anyone who has read much of it has a fairly good impression of the sort of person I am - at least part of who I am. It provides some of my back story... the sorts of details someone could spend months learning about me. Also, if someone has taken the time to read much of this, and still wants to get to know me - perhaps even wants to know me more after reading it - they're probably more likely to be interested for the right reasons.
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