A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not “Crazy” | The Current Conscience

Good article shared by a friend. Been there. Done that. Won't ever let someone do it to me again.

A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not “Crazy” | The Current Conscience

Good day today

Taking care of my ticket took far less time than I thought it would. The weather was fantastic. Had a leisurely lunch with my book on Koriente's back porch, followed by coffee, conversation, and a cupcake at Bouldin Creek Cafe. Now I'm getting ready for an evening of Farscape with my love.

I've been feeling fairly down, both physically and mentally, since I broke my hand. But all in all, life is good, and today the universe reminded me so.

WTF Doc?

In three visits with an orthopedic surgeon, I was never told that ibuprofen could retard bone growth. The guy gives me middling amounts of codeine, has his office personnel call to tell me he won't give more refills, and wants me to "switch to over-the-counter pain medications", and yet doesn't feel the need to tell me that I shouldn't use the most common type (NSAIDS)? I even told the person who called me that I was taking ibuprofen most of the time, but I wanted vicodin on hand for when the aching got really bad. So I basically spent six weeks in a splint for nothing - as in I have no signs of bone growth - and any more immobilization would be detrimental to the rest of my hand.

I’ve stopped taking ibuprofen, obviously. But my hand is no longer in a splint, so I have to wonder just how well it’s likely to heal. I’m frustrated, angry, and more than a little concerned that because of this I may end up having to go through surgery that could have been avoided with three words - “Don’t take NSAIDS.” As soon as I get the x-rays from this guy’s office, I’m looking for another doctor to discuss all this with.

Meditation is dangerous business

Getting ready to sit down to meditate today, I lost my balance and put my hand out behind me to catch myself. Instead, I caught my finger on a shelf, and fractured my fifth metacarpal pretty badly.




This is my first real broken bone, other than a couple of toes as a teenager. I'll get to find out tomorrow (hopefully) whether I'll just need a cast, or if surgery will be involved. Since I have no insurance, I'm really hoping I won't need surgery.

The wisdom of Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!...

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi

Yeah, so, my ex....

So, I’m chatting with my ex-husband today on FB. I’ve been exchanging tentative communication with him over the last several months - it seemed like a good idea, as part of a letting-go of all the negative feelings that still surface from time to time. A few weeks ago he mentioned that he was planning to come back to the states (he’s currently in England with his wife and her younger kids).

So, back to chatting with the ex... He’s off his bipolar medication - refuses to take it because of side effects - and currently having a major depressive episode. He mentions that he’s trying to save enough to be able come back to the U.S.. And his wife, “might follow” him. And his great plan once he gets here? To “hit the road again,” and “get as far as the money will let me and pick up what work I can.” In other words, he’s planning to leave his wife and take off on his bike, again. Except this time, he’s also leaving this wife's three young boys that have most likely gotten pretty attached to him over the last two+ years.

I’d say I can’t believe it, but it’s not surprising to me at all. Things have gotten rough, so it’s time for him to take off and shirk all responsibility for anything or anyone. I remember him telling me how peaceful he felt in Taos, and since he’d been on the road, on the night we called it quits. I also remember telling him that of course he felt peaceful... he’d left all of his responsibilities behind for someone else to deal with. I think it was the most direct and honest I’d been with him in a very long time. I’d always pulled my punches, always blunted the tip of how I felt about a lot of things. In that moment, I’d had enough. I’d just had enough, and I didn’t give a damn what his reaction would be, or how it might make him feel to say it to him. I told him exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and it felt so fucking good. I learned a lesson that day about being direct with people - one that I sometimes forget, but always come back to - it's always better to be honest and open about your feelings in any kind of relationship. Otherwise, you can end up lying to yourself as much as to others.

What I’m taking away from this conversation with the ex is that I don’t really want to be friends with him. I thought it would be a good thing for us to be able to stay friends, but I don’t want to be friends with someone like that. When it was just the crappy way that things ended with us, I could write it off as just the craziness that surrounds any divorce. But now that it looks to be turning into a pattern of really shitty behavior, I want nothing more to do with him. Realizing this has brought me a measure of peace about the situation that I didn’t know I had been lacking.

(originally posted on LJ)

Doing a little organizing...

I've got way too many different places to post these days. I've decided to relocate my Random Thoughts to LiveJournal, since it seems a more appropriate venue for these posts, and will eliminate me having to double post everything I've been putting here. You can follow me there at http://beccane.livejournal.com/

I'll be better able to control who reads what, so more personal posts will be friends only. Unfortunately, that means you'll have to have an LJ account and be on my friends list to see them. Considering how few people actually follow this blog, that shouldn't be inconveniencing too many people.

If you don't want to follow me there, well, thanks for following me this far.

Project GMST

Day two of meditation and yoga. Feeling good about working on Getting My Shit Together. I’ve felt far too bad about how I’ve (not) taken care of myself for far too long.

A secondary goal of GMST is to be more social, and to get out and meet new people. Tonight, I accompanied a friend to Bad Movie Night with a group of his friends. Everyone brought horrible movies to choose from, and then we voted on what to watch, and made jokes and hilarious commentary. Tonight we watched Flash Gordon and Red Dawn. It was awesome. I had forgotten about how amazingly bad Flash Gordon was. We may have to implement some version of this for our OPN.

Putting myself back on track

I dug out my meditation cushion today and did sitting meditation for the first time since moving to Austin. I kept it to 10 minutes, knowing that I don’t want to push it or get frustrated. I also pulled out the yoga mat and did some Sun Salutation, and I’m downloading some classes from Yoga Today. If I want to get back into a serious meditation practice, I have to work on opening my hips. They’ve been extremely tight since my motorcycle injury several years ago, and I just can’t find a well grounded position or sit comfortably for very long at all. They’re both tiny baby steps, but at least I feel like I’m moving in the right direction again. Once I can do a solid 30 minutes of yoga without wanting to pass out, I’ll work on getting to the classes at 24 Hour on a regular basis.

Personal health goals for the upcoming week:

- Meditate for 10 minutes each day
- Do at least one round of Sun Salutation each day
- Journal my progress

Other goals:

- Submit at least one Examiner article
- Accomplish three work-related things from the ToDo list

Trying out Ping.fm as a way to update across all my social sites.

Trying out MacJournal

In an effort to make it easier to blog, and to update to several blogs from one place, I’m using a trial version of MacJournal. I’m curious if anyone else has tried MacJournal, and would love any feedback or tips you can provide.

It's been an interesting year...

I just realized it's been almost a year since I posted anything here.  In that time I've (finally) graduated from college, become COO of a small business, challenged everything I've known and believed about love and relationships, moved to Austin, and said goodbye to my grandfather.

I've theorized in the past that I only feel the urge to write when I'm upset or stressed about things, and yet through most of this last year I wrote almost nothing here.  I believe that's because I've found someone who I can talk to about these things in order to work through them, where in the past I had to write about them to get them out of my head.

I also discovered Live Journal and Facebook during the last year, so I now have multiple outlets and I'm not certain where to put what anymore.  The one thing I do know is that I need to start blogging regularly again, because there is a different kind of sorting out that goes on when I try to express something in writing.

So, my goal is at least one post a week here, and another weekly post on my vegan blog.  Facebook and Twitter will be my day-to-day update places, and LJ will likely be more for informational sort of posts - links to articles, random thoughts and observations...  basically stuff too long for Twitter, but not really blog-worthy either.

Final day of working for the man

I went in late, and did almost nothing work-related all day.  It was kind of anti-climatic for being my day of liberation.  

So now I just have to finish up school, and get moved to Austin - while learning an entirely new OS on the side.  I've just switched from Windows machines to a MacBook, and am still getting used to how everything works.  It's not too bad.  I just have to learn all new shortcuts after having used DOS, then Windows machines my entire computing life - which is pretty damn long considering I've been using computers of some sort or another for over 20 years.  

But, I'm nothing if not adaptable, and I do love playing with new toys and figuring out how to do things in new software, so I'm sure I'll get good on it in no time.  Which is pretty important since I'm entering into a new venture with Melomel creating iPhone software.  

Also, in other news...   I had the final test for my Essure procedure Thursday, and I am confirmed sterile.  I was just a little sad leaving the office - not that I now want kids suddenly, but perhaps mourning a possibility that is now gone for good.

Freedom at last!

Yesterday I put in notice at my job. My last day of work will be May 4th. I'll be taking the remaining 12 hours needed to finish my degree over the two summer sessions, and I'll be graduated with my BA by mid-August!

It's a bit nerve-wracking to be unemployed for the first time in about 17 years. I've been continuously employed for all that time. I've always had another job lined up before I quit the current one, so this is a little scary. But it's also very exciting to feel as if the future is wide open for me.

As soon as I finish the BA, I'll be moving to Austin, starting my new life with melomel, and enrolling in grad school at UT. The future is looking very bright indeed!

I'm such a slacker, and other musings...

I'll take any excuse not to do what I need to be doing. I should have gone to work yesterday, but the ex called to see if they could come by and unload more stuff. So I stayed here and watched them load stuff up, and bs'd with them a bit.

He still says they'll be paying off my truck and giving me some money toward the joint debt I've already paid off. I believe him on the truck because he needs me to sign off on putting his vehicle in his name only, so he has an incentive to pay mine off as well. I believe he has intentions to give me more, but I'm not holding my breath. If it doesn't happen I won't be disappointed, and if it actually does happen I'll be pleasantly surprised.

He's talking about wanting to take the dogs back with him again when they get their place in NM or CO. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, he'll have a large property in the mountains for them to live on. On the other, I'll miss them terribly. But three large dogs are a major handful for one person who's trying to go to school and completely rearrange her life. I know they'd be well cared for - his fiance is a veterinarian, and he'd give his life for those dogs.

The same reasoning I gave for him bringing them back to me is about to apply in the other direction. My life is about to be in major flux. I don't know where I'm going to be living, or how long I'll be in any one place. I won't have a lot of time to spend with them - I already don't spend enough time with them as it is. As much as I don't want to admit this, it may be better for him to take them with him once he has a permanent home for them. I don't want to let them go - but I'm afraid I'll only be keeping them with me for my own selfish reasons, and not truly considering what's best for them.

Waiting

I hate waiting. For people, for things, for events to unfold... whatever it is, I hate waiting. Especially when I don't know how long something is going to take. If I have an ETA, it's not so bad. But if I'm waiting indefinitely for something that I know is going to happen, just not when, it drives me crazy.

Anticipation can be a good thing in those cases where I do know when something is going to happen. It can give the days and hours leading up to it a certain energy, a little more flavor. Of course it can also cause a certain level of anxiety if there's an unknown outcome.

Right now I have several things I'm waiting on. Some are known outcome (as much as we can ever know what the future holds), but unknown timeframe. Others are known timeframe, but unknown outcome. They're all driving me a little crazy right now. But I have to say, my days are definitely full flavor and energy.

Depression is funny

After having a great weekend trip to San Marcos to see my family, and a very successful date with someone in Austin that I'm looking forward to spending more time with whenever I'm down that way, you'd think I'd be happy... yet I find myself slipping toward depression.

I think it's because I'm in limbo right now. I have to finish this semester before I can consider moving, but I'm probably going to be here until the end of this year while finishing school and packing up house to make the move. Knowing that I have to continue for an undetermined time in a job I don't care about is like a dead weight on my shoulders. I think it's the perception of my helplessness to make the changes I want to make now that is sending me on that downward spiral. I'm finally looking toward a future that isn't bleak, and I want to get to it right now!

So I'm committing myself now to doing at least one thing every day to reach one of my goals. It could be working out to work on my goal of getting more fit. Or, I can perform some task related to my ultimate relocation, such as putting something up for sale on eBay, or packing up some things I know I won't be using anytime soon, or going through things and deciding what to donate or discard, or researching information for my enrollment in grad school. I have so many things I can be working on right now that will make relocating much easier if I get them done ahead of time. I tend to do better at things that I'm avoiding (for whatever reason) if I commit myself publicly to them, so here it is.

Thoughts on risk

I've had a few conversations with different people lately about taking risks. I was never one to take risks in the past. Fear has kept me from doing a lot of things over the years. I often wonder where I would be in life had I taken some of those risks. My desire for security, safety, and stability ultimately led me down a path that ended in a place I really don't want to be.

A few years ago, the director of the department I worked in decided that we all needed to read a book called Who Moved My Cheese?. Now I'm usually the first one to scoff at such books, and would never have been caught reading it voluntarily. But it was mandatory, so I read it. And it was every bit as cheesy as I expected. Okay, bad pun... let's all groan together now.

As silly as it was though, its basic message was actually quite good. There were a lot of stupid little sayings in it, and the reason we were reading it was to try to improve morale in a horribly managed department. However, it did make a difference in my life - no matter how much I hate to say so. One of the messages has stuck with me ever since... "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

Ironically, not very long after we read that book, I got an attractive offer to go to work for another company. I hesitated at first, having almost five years at my current job. I was comfortable with my duties, and was extremely good at my job. I knew I was safe there. The new job offered better pay and benefits, and a better potential for advancement - but it also offered the potential for failure. And then I asked myself what I would do if I wasn't afraid. I took the job.

While I have ultimately realized I don't want to do this job, I'm still supremely glad I took it. I've enjoyed working for this company, and these people - much more than where I was - and it's been a great boost to my confidence to know I can excel here as much as at my previous job. I've just come to realize that I don't want to work in this industry, or for Corporate America in general. Hence my decision to pursue grad school once I'm able to finish paying down my debt.

Of course grad school carries its own set of risks... and I'm both excited by the idea, and terrified by it. But I know it will be good for me. That's been my mantra for quite some time now - what scares me is good for me. Obviously there are some times when fear is an appropriate response... but if the only reason I can come up with for not doing something is that it's scary, well that's not good enough.

I've been working under this premise for some time now - definitely since I split with my ex, but I've been gradually taking more and more risks ever since I read that stupid little book. After the ex left, I began to almost systematically go after my fears and inhibitions. Instead of just retreating from something that scares me, I now try to stop and ask myself why I'm afraid, and what I would do if I wasn't.

The expressway may be safer and better maintained, and will probably get you there faster, but it's not nearly as interesting as the smaller highways and back country roads. Just as I've always looked for the little dotted lines signifying smaller roads on maps when I'm traveling for pleasure, I've started looking for those little dotted lines on the road map of my life. Choosing the less risky path may be safer, but you miss out on so much really cool stuff.

Chickadees

What is it about the sound of a chickadee's call that always makes me smile? I can't think of any other bird song that has the same effect. I love hearing bird calls of all types - can sit listening to them much longer than anyone I may be with cares to usually - but none will put an instant grin on my face like the chickadee.

Why do I put my demons on display?

I've had more than one person tell me they think it's brave of me to put myself and my demons out to the general public in the way that I do here. I suppose I can see why they'd think it brave, but it really doesn't feel that way.

It does lead me to wonder why I feel compelled to put my demons on display. Obviously I get something out of it... we rarely continue doing anything in our lives that doesn't reward us in some way or another. But what exactly? It's not as if my posts here always paint me in a positive light. Far from it. I'm always somewhat surprised when someone tells me they've read my blog, and are still interested in getting to know me. I generally want to ask them, "You do realize how screwed up I am, don't you?" But, as I was recently discussing with someone... I've come to realize that everyone is "absolutely bat-fuck bonkers" (his words). We're all just crazy in different ways.

So why the compulsion to lay my psyche bare to the world? There are a couple of things I can think of... First, I've always been able to work things out better when I journal them. And this is basically an online journal. It works better than carrying a paper one around because I can post to it from anywhere as long as I have either my phone and a signal, or internet access. And second, by exposing these thoughts to the light of day, I weaken their grasp on me. It is because I've put all this out in the public blogosphere that I've realized that everyone has demons. Many, many people have read these posts - both friends and strangers - and the only feedback I've ever received has been supportive and complimentary, or commiserating or concurring with what I've written. (How d'ya like that for alliteration?)

I link to this blog in my profile on an online dating site - a move that the same someone referenced previously described as "a little heavy." Although it is less a desire to be honest, as he suggested, as it is a bit of a shortcut. This is me. It's not the entire me, but I think anyone who has read much of it has a fairly good impression of the sort of person I am - at least part of who I am. It provides some of my back story... the sorts of details someone could spend months learning about me. Also, if someone has taken the time to read much of this, and still wants to get to know me - perhaps even wants to know me more after reading it - they're probably more likely to be interested for the right reasons.