Yeah, so, my ex....

So, I’m chatting with my ex-husband today on FB. I’ve been exchanging tentative communication with him over the last several months - it seemed like a good idea, as part of a letting-go of all the negative feelings that still surface from time to time. A few weeks ago he mentioned that he was planning to come back to the states (he’s currently in England with his wife and her younger kids).

So, back to chatting with the ex... He’s off his bipolar medication - refuses to take it because of side effects - and currently having a major depressive episode. He mentions that he’s trying to save enough to be able come back to the U.S.. And his wife, “might follow” him. And his great plan once he gets here? To “hit the road again,” and “get as far as the money will let me and pick up what work I can.” In other words, he’s planning to leave his wife and take off on his bike, again. Except this time, he’s also leaving this wife's three young boys that have most likely gotten pretty attached to him over the last two+ years.

I’d say I can’t believe it, but it’s not surprising to me at all. Things have gotten rough, so it’s time for him to take off and shirk all responsibility for anything or anyone. I remember him telling me how peaceful he felt in Taos, and since he’d been on the road, on the night we called it quits. I also remember telling him that of course he felt peaceful... he’d left all of his responsibilities behind for someone else to deal with. I think it was the most direct and honest I’d been with him in a very long time. I’d always pulled my punches, always blunted the tip of how I felt about a lot of things. In that moment, I’d had enough. I’d just had enough, and I didn’t give a damn what his reaction would be, or how it might make him feel to say it to him. I told him exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and it felt so fucking good. I learned a lesson that day about being direct with people - one that I sometimes forget, but always come back to - it's always better to be honest and open about your feelings in any kind of relationship. Otherwise, you can end up lying to yourself as much as to others.

What I’m taking away from this conversation with the ex is that I don’t really want to be friends with him. I thought it would be a good thing for us to be able to stay friends, but I don’t want to be friends with someone like that. When it was just the crappy way that things ended with us, I could write it off as just the craziness that surrounds any divorce. But now that it looks to be turning into a pattern of really shitty behavior, I want nothing more to do with him. Realizing this has brought me a measure of peace about the situation that I didn’t know I had been lacking.

(originally posted on LJ)

Feeling old

It's like I woke up one day and I was this "mature" woman, dealing with all these aches and pains. And I've got wrinkles, and dry skin. Now to top it all off, I'm a divorced "mature" woman.

I'm a 38-year-old divorcee with a bad knee and hip, wrinkles, dry skin, and I think I see the beginnings of old-lady hands :-/

Who's going to want me now? Am I doomed to spend the rest of my nights alone with only my furry family to cuddle with? Will I ever find love again?

How did I end up here?

People amaze me

I'm getting a divorce. I'm getting a divorce because my husband of almost 17 years decided to take a road trip on his motorcycle and find himself. Apparently he found himself in the mountains of New Mexico. Says he belongs there, that it just feels right. It doesn't get any more cliche than that. It's not like we both didn't know the marriage was on its last legs anyways, but we had committed to working on it when he came back. In truth, he did me a huge favor, because I'm happier now than I have been in a long, long time.

Of course this was all back in April and May. So he came back in July, rented a big-ass Uhaul and towed away a bunch of his stuff. He was here for two weeks, had the Uhaul for one, and yet didn't manage to take everything with him.

A couple of weeks ago he called to ask me to bring him the trailer he left here with some more of his stuff on it. He actually wanted me to tow the trailer up to New Mexico for him. When that didn't work out for him, he started asking me to ship him stuff... first one of the boom boxes, then could I put a mallet he left behind in there, and oh yeah, there's a project he was working on - could I send that with the other stuff... One thing after the other.

The prize-winner was last night when he left me a message that he wanted me to send him his scroll saw. A scroll saw. That thing is big and bulky and heavy. What next, the band saw? Or maybe the drill press? How about I just pack the whole shop up and ship it next day air?

I told him no. He got pissy. I let him.