Meditation is dangerous business

Getting ready to sit down to meditate today, I lost my balance and put my hand out behind me to catch myself. Instead, I caught my finger on a shelf, and fractured my fifth metacarpal pretty badly.




This is my first real broken bone, other than a couple of toes as a teenager. I'll get to find out tomorrow (hopefully) whether I'll just need a cast, or if surgery will be involved. Since I have no insurance, I'm really hoping I won't need surgery.

The wisdom of Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!...

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi

Yeah, so, my ex....

So, I’m chatting with my ex-husband today on FB. I’ve been exchanging tentative communication with him over the last several months - it seemed like a good idea, as part of a letting-go of all the negative feelings that still surface from time to time. A few weeks ago he mentioned that he was planning to come back to the states (he’s currently in England with his wife and her younger kids).

So, back to chatting with the ex... He’s off his bipolar medication - refuses to take it because of side effects - and currently having a major depressive episode. He mentions that he’s trying to save enough to be able come back to the U.S.. And his wife, “might follow” him. And his great plan once he gets here? To “hit the road again,” and “get as far as the money will let me and pick up what work I can.” In other words, he’s planning to leave his wife and take off on his bike, again. Except this time, he’s also leaving this wife's three young boys that have most likely gotten pretty attached to him over the last two+ years.

I’d say I can’t believe it, but it’s not surprising to me at all. Things have gotten rough, so it’s time for him to take off and shirk all responsibility for anything or anyone. I remember him telling me how peaceful he felt in Taos, and since he’d been on the road, on the night we called it quits. I also remember telling him that of course he felt peaceful... he’d left all of his responsibilities behind for someone else to deal with. I think it was the most direct and honest I’d been with him in a very long time. I’d always pulled my punches, always blunted the tip of how I felt about a lot of things. In that moment, I’d had enough. I’d just had enough, and I didn’t give a damn what his reaction would be, or how it might make him feel to say it to him. I told him exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and it felt so fucking good. I learned a lesson that day about being direct with people - one that I sometimes forget, but always come back to - it's always better to be honest and open about your feelings in any kind of relationship. Otherwise, you can end up lying to yourself as much as to others.

What I’m taking away from this conversation with the ex is that I don’t really want to be friends with him. I thought it would be a good thing for us to be able to stay friends, but I don’t want to be friends with someone like that. When it was just the crappy way that things ended with us, I could write it off as just the craziness that surrounds any divorce. But now that it looks to be turning into a pattern of really shitty behavior, I want nothing more to do with him. Realizing this has brought me a measure of peace about the situation that I didn’t know I had been lacking.

(originally posted on LJ)

Doing a little organizing...

I've got way too many different places to post these days. I've decided to relocate my Random Thoughts to LiveJournal, since it seems a more appropriate venue for these posts, and will eliminate me having to double post everything I've been putting here. You can follow me there at http://beccane.livejournal.com/

I'll be better able to control who reads what, so more personal posts will be friends only. Unfortunately, that means you'll have to have an LJ account and be on my friends list to see them. Considering how few people actually follow this blog, that shouldn't be inconveniencing too many people.

If you don't want to follow me there, well, thanks for following me this far.

Project GMST

Day two of meditation and yoga. Feeling good about working on Getting My Shit Together. I’ve felt far too bad about how I’ve (not) taken care of myself for far too long.

A secondary goal of GMST is to be more social, and to get out and meet new people. Tonight, I accompanied a friend to Bad Movie Night with a group of his friends. Everyone brought horrible movies to choose from, and then we voted on what to watch, and made jokes and hilarious commentary. Tonight we watched Flash Gordon and Red Dawn. It was awesome. I had forgotten about how amazingly bad Flash Gordon was. We may have to implement some version of this for our OPN.

Putting myself back on track

I dug out my meditation cushion today and did sitting meditation for the first time since moving to Austin. I kept it to 10 minutes, knowing that I don’t want to push it or get frustrated. I also pulled out the yoga mat and did some Sun Salutation, and I’m downloading some classes from Yoga Today. If I want to get back into a serious meditation practice, I have to work on opening my hips. They’ve been extremely tight since my motorcycle injury several years ago, and I just can’t find a well grounded position or sit comfortably for very long at all. They’re both tiny baby steps, but at least I feel like I’m moving in the right direction again. Once I can do a solid 30 minutes of yoga without wanting to pass out, I’ll work on getting to the classes at 24 Hour on a regular basis.

Personal health goals for the upcoming week:

- Meditate for 10 minutes each day
- Do at least one round of Sun Salutation each day
- Journal my progress

Other goals:

- Submit at least one Examiner article
- Accomplish three work-related things from the ToDo list

Trying out Ping.fm as a way to update across all my social sites.