Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Meditation is dangerous business

Getting ready to sit down to meditate today, I lost my balance and put my hand out behind me to catch myself. Instead, I caught my finger on a shelf, and fractured my fifth metacarpal pretty badly.

This is my first real broken bone, other than a couple of toes as a teenager. I'll get to find out tomorrow (hopefully) whether I'll just need a cast, or if surgery will be involved. Since I have no insurance, I'm really hoping I won't need surgery.

Friday, December 10, 2010

The wisdom of Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!...

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi

Friday, October 8, 2010

Yeah, so, my ex....

So, I’m chatting with my ex-husband today on FB. I’ve been exchanging tentative communication with him over the last several months - it seemed like a good idea, as part of a letting-go of all the negative feelings that still surface from time to time. A few weeks ago he mentioned that he was planning to come back to the states (he’s currently in England with his wife and her younger kids).

So, back to chatting with the ex... He’s off his bipolar medication - refuses to take it because of side effects - and currently having a major depressive episode. He mentions that he’s trying to save enough to be able come back to the U.S.. And his wife, “might follow” him. And his great plan once he gets here? To “hit the road again,” and “get as far as the money will let me and pick up what work I can.” In other words, he’s planning to leave his wife and take off on his bike, again. Except this time, he’s also leaving this wife's three young boys that have most likely gotten pretty attached to him over the last two+ years.

I’d say I can’t believe it, but it’s not surprising to me at all. Things have gotten rough, so it’s time for him to take off and shirk all responsibility for anything or anyone. I remember him telling me how peaceful he felt in Taos, and since he’d been on the road, on the night we called it quits. I also remember telling him that of course he felt peaceful... he’d left all of his responsibilities behind for someone else to deal with. I think it was the most direct and honest I’d been with him in a very long time. I’d always pulled my punches, always blunted the tip of how I felt about a lot of things. In that moment, I’d had enough. I’d just had enough, and I didn’t give a damn what his reaction would be, or how it might make him feel to say it to him. I told him exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and it felt so fucking good. I learned a lesson that day about being direct with people - one that I sometimes forget, but always come back to - it's always better to be honest and open about your feelings in any kind of relationship. Otherwise, you can end up lying to yourself as much as to others.

What I’m taking away from this conversation with the ex is that I don’t really want to be friends with him. I thought it would be a good thing for us to be able to stay friends, but I don’t want to be friends with someone like that. When it was just the crappy way that things ended with us, I could write it off as just the craziness that surrounds any divorce. But now that it looks to be turning into a pattern of really shitty behavior, I want nothing more to do with him. Realizing this has brought me a measure of peace about the situation that I didn’t know I had been lacking.

(originally posted on LJ)