Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Monday, January 31, 2011

Good day today

Taking care of my ticket took far less time than I thought it would. The weather was fantastic. Had a leisurely lunch with my book on Koriente's back porch, followed by coffee, conversation, and a cupcake at Bouldin Creek Cafe. Now I'm getting ready for an evening of Farscape with my love.

I've been feeling fairly down, both physically and mentally, since I broke my hand. But all in all, life is good, and today the universe reminded me so.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

WTF Doc?

In three visits with an orthopedic surgeon, I was never told that ibuprofen could retard bone growth. The guy gives me middling amounts of codeine, has his office personnel call to tell me he won't give more refills, and wants me to "switch to over-the-counter pain medications", and yet doesn't feel the need to tell me that I shouldn't use the most common type (NSAIDS)? I even told the person who called me that I was taking ibuprofen most of the time, but I wanted vicodin on hand for when the aching got really bad. So I basically spent six weeks in a splint for nothing - as in I have no signs of bone growth - and any more immobilization would be detrimental to the rest of my hand.

I’ve stopped taking ibuprofen, obviously. But my hand is no longer in a splint, so I have to wonder just how well it’s likely to heal. I’m frustrated, angry, and more than a little concerned that because of this I may end up having to go through surgery that could have been avoided with three words - “Don’t take NSAIDS.” As soon as I get the x-rays from this guy’s office, I’m looking for another doctor to discuss all this with.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Meditation is dangerous business

Getting ready to sit down to meditate today, I lost my balance and put my hand out behind me to catch myself. Instead, I caught my finger on a shelf, and fractured my fifth metacarpal pretty badly.

This is my first real broken bone, other than a couple of toes as a teenager. I'll get to find out tomorrow (hopefully) whether I'll just need a cast, or if surgery will be involved. Since I have no insurance, I'm really hoping I won't need surgery.

Friday, December 10, 2010

The wisdom of Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!...

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi

Friday, October 8, 2010

Yeah, so, my ex....

So, I’m chatting with my ex-husband today on FB. I’ve been exchanging tentative communication with him over the last several months - it seemed like a good idea, as part of a letting-go of all the negative feelings that still surface from time to time. A few weeks ago he mentioned that he was planning to come back to the states (he’s currently in England with his wife and her younger kids).

So, back to chatting with the ex... He’s off his bipolar medication - refuses to take it because of side effects - and currently having a major depressive episode. He mentions that he’s trying to save enough to be able come back to the U.S.. And his wife, “might follow” him. And his great plan once he gets here? To “hit the road again,” and “get as far as the money will let me and pick up what work I can.” In other words, he’s planning to leave his wife and take off on his bike, again. Except this time, he’s also leaving this wife's three young boys that have most likely gotten pretty attached to him over the last two+ years.

I’d say I can’t believe it, but it’s not surprising to me at all. Things have gotten rough, so it’s time for him to take off and shirk all responsibility for anything or anyone. I remember him telling me how peaceful he felt in Taos, and since he’d been on the road, on the night we called it quits. I also remember telling him that of course he felt peaceful... he’d left all of his responsibilities behind for someone else to deal with. I think it was the most direct and honest I’d been with him in a very long time. I’d always pulled my punches, always blunted the tip of how I felt about a lot of things. In that moment, I’d had enough. I’d just had enough, and I didn’t give a damn what his reaction would be, or how it might make him feel to say it to him. I told him exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and it felt so fucking good. I learned a lesson that day about being direct with people - one that I sometimes forget, but always come back to - it's always better to be honest and open about your feelings in any kind of relationship. Otherwise, you can end up lying to yourself as much as to others.

What I’m taking away from this conversation with the ex is that I don’t really want to be friends with him. I thought it would be a good thing for us to be able to stay friends, but I don’t want to be friends with someone like that. When it was just the crappy way that things ended with us, I could write it off as just the craziness that surrounds any divorce. But now that it looks to be turning into a pattern of really shitty behavior, I want nothing more to do with him. Realizing this has brought me a measure of peace about the situation that I didn’t know I had been lacking.

(originally posted on LJ)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Doing a little organizing...

I've got way too many different places to post these days. I've decided to relocate my Random Thoughts to LiveJournal, since it seems a more appropriate venue for these posts, and will eliminate me having to double post everything I've been putting here. You can follow me there at http://beccane.livejournal.com/

I'll be better able to control who reads what, so more personal posts will be friends only. Unfortunately, that means you'll have to have an LJ account and be on my friends list to see them. Considering how few people actually follow this blog, that shouldn't be inconveniencing too many people.

If you don't want to follow me there, well, thanks for following me this far.