Christmas Eve

Just about every year for the past 18 years I've gone to my (now ex) in-law's house for dinner and gifts. Since I wasn't going to be traveling anywhere, I decided to take my ex-mil's invitation and still go this year. The ex and his s/o were there, and it was a bit strained between us at times, but all in all I'm glad I went. They're family, and even if I can't take very much of them, I still care about them. I enjoyed seeing my sister-in-law and her kids, and the baby. Having a couple of glasses of wine while I was there certainly didn't hurt.

Missing Chief continued...

Today's the fifth anniversary of my grandfather Chief's death. It's always a sad time of year for me. I miss him terribly.

My oldest dog Bear was born the same day he died - although I didn't find this out until after I already had him. I've often said Chief sent Bear to keep me from missing him so much. Caring for Bear and watching him grow into the beast he is now definitely helped me get past those first hard months after Chief's death.

I don't know that I believe in transmigration, but I do know that we're all made of energy, and energy is never destroyed - simply redistributed. So maybe some small part of Chief's energy got redistributed into Bear... it's a nice thought anyways.

Semester's almost over

Thankfully there's only one day left in this semester. It's been one of the most stressful to date, but not because of classes. I let all of my personal and health issues interfere with getting my school work done - even though I had plenty of time, and could easily have been way ahead in my studies.

I have a tendency to do this during any semester, but I was particularly bad about it this time. I will be happy to squeak a C out of one of these classes. This is not acceptable, and will not happen again. I only have 21 hours left to take, 15 if I pass both classes this semester. I have to pull it together and finish strong. I've worked too hard at maintaining my GPA above 3.5 to let it go to shit now.

On a happier note... my pups are all going to stay with me for good. For once the ex has made a reasonable, rational decision. Now if he'd just get out of my hair and go back to New Mexico.

I had a sh**ty f***ing day!

And I just want to whine and cry about it. But I don't have the time because I need to study the shit I haven't been studying enough, for the test I'm not prepared for that I have to take tomorrow. And I had a damn headache all day, and they tested the fire alarms for a solid 15 minutes at work, and I had one chat with a moron that lasted 2.5 hours, yes 2.5 hours. And another one with an even bigger moron that lasted 1.5 hours, during which he asked the same 3 questions over and over in different ways - two of which I couldn't answer, no one could answer, because they're subjective damn questions. I was so frustrated I wanted to cry by the time I finally got the asshole off my screen.

So I'm bitching up a storm and whining my ass off to no one and everyone because I want to scream and break shit and this seems like the cheaper, less messy alternative.

Time to move forward

"Cause yesterday don't mean shit
What's over is over and nothing between
Yesterday don't mean shit
Because tomorrow's the day you have to face"

Pantera

My puppies are home!

One bright spot for me lately is that the two dogs my ex took with him when he left are back home with me. The ex is back in town, and his accommodations aren't sufficient to keep a 100 lb and a 60 lb dog. His intention is to leave them here temporarily until he has a place for them. My intention is they're staying here for good. He's just not stable enough to take care of them properly. And I fully intend to use any and all means possible to keep them here.

It'll be a few months before he leaves town again. Until then I'll just enjoy having my pups around again, and will try not to worry about what's going to happen when he leaves.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes

I've become addicted to my online world. I've gotten so wrapped up in it that it's affecting my daily life, my school, my work. I'm getting depressed, in part because of things happening with people I know almost solely from an online community.

I've met many local people online who are now my close friends, so it's not all bad. However, when it's affecting my wellbeing to the extent that it has been recently, the good no longer outweighs the bad.

I've decided to take a break from it. I'll still check messages, but for the most part I intend to stay offline until at least the end of the semester. I have to regain some perspective and refocus on my life here in the present.

Where's my magic wand?

I want one of those magic wands fairy godmothers have that fixes everything. I suppose I'd settle for a fairy godmother to wield her own magic wand. She'd make my ex realize he needs to let me have our two dogs back because he can't give them a good living environment. She'd find me a funny and intelligent vegan man who's madly in love with me - and gainfully employed. And she'd wrap it all up by getting me a job doing something meaningful with my writing or photography skills - one that I would generally look forward to doing.

A bit of a tall order maybe - but I think I deserve it.

Now... how does one go about acquiring a fairy godmother?

First Holidays Alone

These will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays as a single person in 18 years. I guess I didn't think it would bother me this much, but the closer the holidays get the more I feel alone.

I'll be seeing the ex sometime soon, and I'm both dreading and looking forward to it. I dread it because I'm afraid he'll be able to tell how I'm feeling and will feel sorry for me, or worse think I miss him and am pining for him. I look forward to it, because I look fabulous compared to the last time he saw me. Even in my current state of melancholy, I'm happier than I was when I was with him. I'm definitely healthier - and over 20 pounds lighter.

It's not just the holidays... I've been distracting myself from facing the fact that I may be alone for a while. But I can't avoid this reality any longer. It's possible that I may be alone for many months, even years - perhaps for the rest of my life. Even if it's not likely, it's possible, and I need to come to peace with that possibility. Otherwise, I'll never truly be happy.

Improvement

After a full week of some pretty shitty days, I finally feel like I've turned a corner. I haven't had a bout of depression like this for a while, and I'm glad it's finally easing.

I've worked through some things I was avoiding looking at. Life has a way of shoving them in your face however. It's necessary to recognize the difference between coping mechanisms and crutches, and when it's time to put them both away and stand firm to face the world.

Funny things expectations...

They rarely work out the way you think they will. Which is why it's best not to have them at all. Unfortunately, I have the kind of mind that can't help but think and plan and dream ahead. I always build up expectations in my mind, little scenarios of what might happen. And things almost never work out the way I imagined.

It's not always a bad thing, but when it is I sometimes get unreasonably upset about it. It's as if I'm mourning for something that never existed, and probably never would have existed. I've had one of these recently, and that combined with the shortening of the days, the coming of the holidays, and who knows how many other factors, have all combined to put me in a very melancholy frame of mind.

I'm feeling the lack of a companion pretty fiercely these days. I know I will find someone eventually - I do know this. It just seems as if there are so many overwhelming barriers in the way. Half of them I've put up myself because I'm not willing to settle this time around.

I want Mr. Right. And he'll be vegan, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, funny, silly, and madly in love with me. The trick is finding him. And I know from experience that when you're looking too hard for something, you can look right past it - or worse, convince yourself you've found something you haven't.

So I'm plugging along, doing my best to be patient and just let things happen as they will... but I'm still lonely. I don't want to be. I want to be strong and independent - someone who doesn't need anyone. But my heart just wants someone to love, and to be loved by. Pathetic.

Application submitted this morning

And now I must wait...

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gallbladder Gone

Yesterday I had my gallbladder removed. Surgeon said everything went smoothly. I have color pictures of my insides now, which is kinda cool... liver looks good and healthy too!

It was a laproscopic surgery, so there's just 4 small incisions, and one is in my bellybutton. I'm really sore around the incisions, but other than that, no discomfort. So far I haven't even had trouble with the gas that they said I might.

So now I get to sit around my house on painkillers for the next couple of weeks while I heal up. Probably a good time to catch up on my reading for my classes, but I'm working on putting together a portfolio to apply for a staff photographer position at an animal sanctuary instead. It's a big change, and it scares me, but everything tells me I should go for it - so I am.

Surgery Thursday

It's funny, the things your mind dwells on. I'm having laproscopic surgery Thurs. It's just an in-and-out day surgery, but there's always the chance something might happen.

While I am surprisingly calm about the procedure, I found myself thinking today about who would tell my online friends if something were to happen. They'd have no idea for days, weeks maybe. I'd just stop posting. Some may wonder where I'm at, but most would quickly forget about me.

The mind is a funny thing, isn't it?

Random beauty

The grasses in the landscaping around my building have begun to go to seed, creating these wonderful lacey fronds that swirl softly with the wind.

Transitioning from anger to sorrow

I've been very sad the last week or so, and I realized yesterday that it's because I'm finally letting go of my anger towards my ex. Once the anger began to subside, the pain and sorrow started to surface. My anger was burning so hotly that no other feelings could survive. Now that it's cooling off, other feelings are coming through.

Ending a 17 year relationship isn't like flipping a switch... He was such a huge part of my life, and now he's gone. Even though things weren't that great toward the end, they weren't horrible either. There were still good times, even then. And I still love him. That's not to say I want to be married to him - I don't - but I do still love him.

Feeling pretty sorry for myself lately

This is going to be another whiney post, I can feel it. But if I can't whine here, where can I?

Saturday would have been my 17th anniversary, and it has hit me a little harder than I imagined it would. I was fine Saturday because I kept busy with friends, but yesterday and today have been difficult. I'm just so conflicted right now. In so many ways I am much happier now than I was when I was married. But there are things about it I miss so much. I miss the physical contact - and I'm not talking about sex (although I do miss that too). Mostly I miss the safety and comfort of having his arms around me when I really needed a hug. I miss cuddling on the couch watching movies. I miss knowing that there was someone waiting at home for me.

I thought I had a partner to share the rest of my life with, and it's the loss of that security that I'm mourning as much as anything else. And the loss of one of my best friends. The worst part of it is that the person who would normally hold me and comfort me in times like this, is the reason I feel this way in the first place.

A Social Life?

It would seem I'm beginning to have one. So much so that I neglected my studying all weekend. My friends Patrick and Phillip came by to celebrate Patrick's birthday Friday night - and I drank too much beer.

Then Saturday night I went to a party with a bunch of vegan freaks, and drank too much beer again! I gotta quit with all this beer drinking. It is not conducive to the studying I need to be doing.

Add to that my generally distracted state these days, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up with another B if I don't get my stuff together here.

Missing Chief

I've been thinking about my grandfather a lot lately. He died in December 2002. It wasn't completely unexpected, but it was quicker than I expected. He was much more ill than I realized, and his death caught me by surprise.

He was a hunter and a fisherman, and fall always brings thoughts of him to mind. Camping with Chief as a child gave me a reverence of nature, and ingrained in me the importance of conservation. Watching summer thunderstorms with him from the front porch of their old house left me with a lifelong love of storms, and a fascination with nature's awesome power.

He was a great man, and I loved him more than I was ever able to tell him. I'm grateful that I had him in my life for so long, and that he went quickly once his body began to fail him.

I feel him with me at times when walking in quiet places. I imagine him striding along with me on legs once again strong, but he's always just outside of my peripheral vision. Sometimes I hear his voice speaking to me in its deep rich timbre, but I can never quite catch what he's saying.

Feeling old

It's like I woke up one day and I was this "mature" woman, dealing with all these aches and pains. And I've got wrinkles, and dry skin. Now to top it all off, I'm a divorced "mature" woman.

I'm a 38-year-old divorcee with a bad knee and hip, wrinkles, dry skin, and I think I see the beginnings of old-lady hands :-/

Who's going to want me now? Am I doomed to spend the rest of my nights alone with only my furry family to cuddle with? Will I ever find love again?

How did I end up here?

Divorced

It's official. Judge signed the papers today. I am a divorced woman.

I was a little surprised at how sad I suddenly became when the clerk handed me back the papers. I suppose I should expect to be sad after 17 years together, but this divorce means nothing but good things for me, so I thought I'd be more happy at that moment.

Distraction

I am extremely distracted lately. Having a hard time focusing on anything. My mind keeps wandering to subjects that have nothing to do with work, or school.

Until I get this stuff resolved I know I'm pretty much useless for any focused thinking. Thankfully, it should all be resolved pretty soon.

I find uncertainty to be very disconcerting. I'd rather know the answer, even if it's not the one I hoped for, than wonder endlessly. Once you know, you can act on that knowledge and move forward. Until then you're in limbo. I don't like limbo.

Looking good

As of this morning, I have lost 26 pounds, and am down 2 pant sizes. This is within the space of about 5 months. The loss is a combination of a vegan diet, exercising a minimum of 30 minutes, 3 times a week, and the elimination of most sodas and sweetened drinks.

I've stopped eating emotionally, because I'm no longer trying to swallow down the frustration and anger that was such a big part of my life during the last few years of my marriage. Most of that left with my ex-husband.

I'm feeling great, and looking pretty good too!

People amaze me

I'm getting a divorce. I'm getting a divorce because my husband of almost 17 years decided to take a road trip on his motorcycle and find himself. Apparently he found himself in the mountains of New Mexico. Says he belongs there, that it just feels right. It doesn't get any more cliche than that. It's not like we both didn't know the marriage was on its last legs anyways, but we had committed to working on it when he came back. In truth, he did me a huge favor, because I'm happier now than I have been in a long, long time.

Of course this was all back in April and May. So he came back in July, rented a big-ass Uhaul and towed away a bunch of his stuff. He was here for two weeks, had the Uhaul for one, and yet didn't manage to take everything with him.

A couple of weeks ago he called to ask me to bring him the trailer he left here with some more of his stuff on it. He actually wanted me to tow the trailer up to New Mexico for him. When that didn't work out for him, he started asking me to ship him stuff... first one of the boom boxes, then could I put a mallet he left behind in there, and oh yeah, there's a project he was working on - could I send that with the other stuff... One thing after the other.

The prize-winner was last night when he left me a message that he wanted me to send him his scroll saw. A scroll saw. That thing is big and bulky and heavy. What next, the band saw? Or maybe the drill press? How about I just pack the whole shop up and ship it next day air?

I told him no. He got pissy. I let him.

So far so good

Well, I've managed to get up and go do my training twice this week. Of course I had to publicly commit myself to doing it before I managed to get myself going. But hey, at least I'm doing it.

I took it a lot easier on the jogging intervals this morning - actually jogging rather than running - and I was able to make it through all of the intervals. I'm beginning to have hope that I'll be able to get all the way through this program to running/jogging a 5k. I've never been in that kind of shape before... it would be great to do it at 38.

At the very least, I'll feel better physically and mentally at the end of it. I'll probably look better too, which would be a plus, but isn't really the goal.

Newest member of the family

His name is Han Solo - Solo for short. He was the only one of his litter to survive so someone suggested Solo and since I'm such a geek, Han Solo he became :D

Training for a 5K

Started a beginner's training program that's supposed to have me ready to run a 5K in 10 weeks. You're supposed to alternate jogging with walking, and I think I was more running than jogging so my heart rate really got up there after 3 intervals of that. I walked briskly for the rest of the way, and I'll scale it back more for Tuesday's workout.

I feel really good though, and I feel like this is the start of getting me back into a regular workout schedule. I always feel better when I am, but it's just so hard to get started.

The training regimen I'm using comes from coolrunning.com, and it's called Couch to 5K. It's a 10-week program so hopefully by November I'll be ready to run a 5K.

Robbery at the airport

Waiting at the airport for my mother's long delayed flight to arrive, I went in search of something to drink. All I could find were 20 oz bottles for $1.75. It's a pretty sad statement when you have to put credit card readers on a drink vending machine.

Why do they start classes the week before Labor Day?

This first week has been a complete waste of gas and time. We've done nothing in either class, and got out early both niights. I could be doing so many other things with this time.

Getting picky in my old age

I had lunch in our cafeteria today with a guy at work who I think has a crush on me. He's a sweet guy, and not at all bad looking. But the dead chicken on his plate was already a turn-off, and then he started talking about his church.

If a guy is religious enough to have a church, I just can't get into him. Truthfully, if they're into religion at all, I'm probably not going to be interested - at least not in the long term.

Better pic of my spider buddy

Caught my spider friend at a better angle yesterday. He's got such cool markings.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me.... And I'm feeling good

I'm feeling better right now than I have in years and I intend to continue feeling this way. I will not allow myself to fall back into the bleak hopelessness that has ruled so much of the last 10+ years. I have gone through dark days indeed, and come out the other side a stronger more confident person. I still have problems, and I still struggle with a lot of things, but I have a focus and direction that was not present before.

I don't have everything figured out yet, but I do know there are some things on which I am no longer willing to compromise.

I will endeavor not to allow fear, insecurities and inhibitions to dictate my actions.
I will not waver from my convictions in the name of convenience, or in the interest of expediency.
I will not settle for what I can get, instead of striving for what I hope to obtain.
I will go confidently in the direction of my dreams!

Why am I so screwed up?

I've noticed that I tend to assume that most other people have their shit more together than I do. I'm not really sure what makes me think that, except perhaps that I usually feel so not together?

In the same vein, I assume that most people (other than family and old friends) don't want to be bothered by me because they already have lives and friends and don't want or need to add me to their circle. I've always struggled with this one, which stems from a nagging feeling that people don't really like me, and they just pretend to because they don't want to hurt my feelings.

Do I have issues or what? I struggle with these ideas all the time. I constantly tell myself that I'm wrong, that I know none of it is true, but I never can get it completely out of my head. And of course, I assume that no one else feels the same way, since everyone has their shit more together than I do.

Huge spider by the path

This guy is crazy big. Like the size of my palm. Cool markings too, but they didn't come out well in the pic. I didn't want to get any closer and disturb him.

Here's my baby

Took her for a ride for the first time in a long time last night. She's been out of commission in the garage for months due to one thing or another. But I finally got her going yesterday after work, and we went for a ride.

I love riding. I love the speed, the acceleration, the feel of all that power under me. I can't believe it took me so long to get her back on the road. Never again.

Too connected?

I'm beginning to think I'm too connected - electronically that is. I
text message, email, twitter... my phone has internet so I can do all
of this at any time, anywhere. And I can instantly look up anything
that srikes my curiosity...

I'm addicted to information

A place for all the crap in my head

I've realized recently that there is a huge amount of crap rolling
around in my head. This is where I'll be putting it.