Monday, December 24, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
My oldest dog Bear was born the same day he died - although I didn't find this out until after I already had him. I've often said Chief sent Bear to keep me from missing him so much. Caring for Bear and watching him grow into the beast he is now definitely helped me get past those first hard months after Chief's death.
I don't know that I believe in transmigration, but I do know that we're all made of energy, and energy is never destroyed - simply redistributed. So maybe some small part of Chief's energy got redistributed into Bear... it's a nice thought anyways.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
I have a tendency to do this during any semester, but I was particularly bad about it this time. I will be happy to squeak a C out of one of these classes. This is not acceptable, and will not happen again. I only have 21 hours left to take, 15 if I pass both classes this semester. I have to pull it together and finish strong. I've worked too hard at maintaining my GPA above 3.5 to let it go to shit now.
On a happier note... my pups are all going to stay with me for good. For once the ex has made a reasonable, rational decision. Now if he'd just get out of my hair and go back to New Mexico.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
So I'm bitching up a storm and whining my ass off to no one and everyone because I want to scream and break shit and this seems like the cheaper, less messy alternative.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
It'll be a few months before he leaves town again. Until then I'll just enjoy having my pups around again, and will try not to worry about what's going to happen when he leaves.
Monday, November 26, 2007
I've met many local people online who are now my close friends, so it's not all bad. However, when it's affecting my wellbeing to the extent that it has been recently, the good no longer outweighs the bad.
I've decided to take a break from it. I'll still check messages, but for the most part I intend to stay offline until at least the end of the semester. I have to regain some perspective and refocus on my life here in the present.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
A bit of a tall order maybe - but I think I deserve it.
Now... how does one go about acquiring a fairy godmother?
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I'll be seeing the ex sometime soon, and I'm both dreading and looking forward to it. I dread it because I'm afraid he'll be able to tell how I'm feeling and will feel sorry for me, or worse think I miss him and am pining for him. I look forward to it, because I look fabulous compared to the last time he saw me. Even in my current state of melancholy, I'm happier than I was when I was with him. I'm definitely healthier - and over 20 pounds lighter.
It's not just the holidays... I've been distracting myself from facing the fact that I may be alone for a while. But I can't avoid this reality any longer. It's possible that I may be alone for many months, even years - perhaps for the rest of my life. Even if it's not likely, it's possible, and I need to come to peace with that possibility. Otherwise, I'll never truly be happy.
Monday, November 19, 2007
I've worked through some things I was avoiding looking at. Life has a way of shoving them in your face however. It's necessary to recognize the difference between coping mechanisms and crutches, and when it's time to put them both away and stand firm to face the world.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
It's not always a bad thing, but when it is I sometimes get unreasonably upset about it. It's as if I'm mourning for something that never existed, and probably never would have existed. I've had one of these recently, and that combined with the shortening of the days, the coming of the holidays, and who knows how many other factors, have all combined to put me in a very melancholy frame of mind.
I'm feeling the lack of a companion pretty fiercely these days. I know I will find someone eventually - I do know this. It just seems as if there are so many overwhelming barriers in the way. Half of them I've put up myself because I'm not willing to settle this time around.
I want Mr. Right. And he'll be vegan, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, funny, silly, and madly in love with me. The trick is finding him. And I know from experience that when you're looking too hard for something, you can look right past it - or worse, convince yourself you've found something you haven't.
So I'm plugging along, doing my best to be patient and just let things happen as they will... but I'm still lonely. I don't want to be. I want to be strong and independent - someone who doesn't need anyone. But my heart just wants someone to love, and to be loved by. Pathetic.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
It was a laproscopic surgery, so there's just 4 small incisions, and one is in my bellybutton. I'm really sore around the incisions, but other than that, no discomfort. So far I haven't even had trouble with the gas that they said I might.
So now I get to sit around my house on painkillers for the next couple of weeks while I heal up. Probably a good time to catch up on my reading for my classes, but I'm working on putting together a portfolio to apply for a staff photographer position at an animal sanctuary instead. It's a big change, and it scares me, but everything tells me I should go for it - so I am.
Monday, October 22, 2007
While I am surprisingly calm about the procedure, I found myself thinking today about who would tell my online friends if something were to happen. They'd have no idea for days, weeks maybe. I'd just stop posting. Some may wonder where I'm at, but most would quickly forget about me.
The mind is a funny thing, isn't it?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Ending a 17 year relationship isn't like flipping a switch... He was such a huge part of my life, and now he's gone. Even though things weren't that great toward the end, they weren't horrible either. There were still good times, even then. And I still love him. That's not to say I want to be married to him - I don't - but I do still love him.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Saturday would have been my 17th anniversary, and it has hit me a little harder than I imagined it would. I was fine Saturday because I kept busy with friends, but yesterday and today have been difficult. I'm just so conflicted right now. In so many ways I am much happier now than I was when I was married. But there are things about it I miss so much. I miss the physical contact - and I'm not talking about sex (although I do miss that too). Mostly I miss the safety and comfort of having his arms around me when I really needed a hug. I miss cuddling on the couch watching movies. I miss knowing that there was someone waiting at home for me.
I thought I had a partner to share the rest of my life with, and it's the loss of that security that I'm mourning as much as anything else. And the loss of one of my best friends. The worst part of it is that the person who would normally hold me and comfort me in times like this, is the reason I feel this way in the first place.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Then Saturday night I went to a party with a bunch of vegan freaks, and drank too much beer again! I gotta quit with all this beer drinking. It is not conducive to the studying I need to be doing.
Add to that my generally distracted state these days, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up with another B if I don't get my stuff together here.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
He was a hunter and a fisherman, and fall always brings thoughts of him to mind. Camping with Chief as a child gave me a reverence of nature, and ingrained in me the importance of conservation. Watching summer thunderstorms with him from the front porch of their old house left me with a lifelong love of storms, and a fascination with nature's awesome power.
He was a great man, and I loved him more than I was ever able to tell him. I'm grateful that I had him in my life for so long, and that he went quickly once his body began to fail him.
I feel him with me at times when walking in quiet places. I imagine him striding along with me on legs once again strong, but he's always just outside of my peripheral vision. Sometimes I hear his voice speaking to me in its deep rich timbre, but I can never quite catch what he's saying.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
I'm a 38-year-old divorcee with a bad knee and hip, wrinkles, dry skin, and I think I see the beginnings of old-lady hands :-/
Who's going to want me now? Am I doomed to spend the rest of my nights alone with only my furry family to cuddle with? Will I ever find love again?
How did I end up here?
Thursday, September 13, 2007
I was a little surprised at how sad I suddenly became when the clerk handed me back the papers. I suppose I should expect to be sad after 17 years together, but this divorce means nothing but good things for me, so I thought I'd be more happy at that moment.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Until I get this stuff resolved I know I'm pretty much useless for any focused thinking. Thankfully, it should all be resolved pretty soon.
I find uncertainty to be very disconcerting. I'd rather know the answer, even if it's not the one I hoped for, than wonder endlessly. Once you know, you can act on that knowledge and move forward. Until then you're in limbo. I don't like limbo.
I've stopped eating emotionally, because I'm no longer trying to swallow down the frustration and anger that was such a big part of my life during the last few years of my marriage. Most of that left with my ex-husband.
I'm feeling great, and looking pretty good too!
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Of course this was all back in April and May. So he came back in July, rented a big-ass Uhaul and towed away a bunch of his stuff. He was here for two weeks, had the Uhaul for one, and yet didn't manage to take everything with him.
A couple of weeks ago he called to ask me to bring him the trailer he left here with some more of his stuff on it. He actually wanted me to tow the trailer up to New Mexico for him. When that didn't work out for him, he started asking me to ship him stuff... first one of the boom boxes, then could I put a mallet he left behind in there, and oh yeah, there's a project he was working on - could I send that with the other stuff... One thing after the other.
The prize-winner was last night when he left me a message that he wanted me to send him his scroll saw. A scroll saw. That thing is big and bulky and heavy. What next, the band saw? Or maybe the drill press? How about I just pack the whole shop up and ship it next day air?
I told him no. He got pissy. I let him.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
I took it a lot easier on the jogging intervals this morning - actually jogging rather than running - and I was able to make it through all of the intervals. I'm beginning to have hope that I'll be able to get all the way through this program to running/jogging a 5k. I've never been in that kind of shape before... it would be great to do it at 38.
At the very least, I'll feel better physically and mentally at the end of it. I'll probably look better too, which would be a plus, but isn't really the goal.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
I feel really good though, and I feel like this is the start of getting me back into a regular workout schedule. I always feel better when I am, but it's just so hard to get started.
The training regimen I'm using comes from coolrunning.com, and it's called Couch to 5K. It's a 10-week program so hopefully by November I'll be ready to run a 5K.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
If a guy is religious enough to have a church, I just can't get into him. Truthfully, if they're into religion at all, I'm probably not going to be interested - at least not in the long term.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I don't have everything figured out yet, but I do know there are some things on which I am no longer willing to compromise.
I will endeavor not to allow fear, insecurities and inhibitions to dictate my actions.
I will not waver from my convictions in the name of convenience, or in the interest of expediency.
I will not settle for what I can get, instead of striving for what I hope to obtain.
I will go confidently in the direction of my dreams!
Monday, August 27, 2007
In the same vein, I assume that most people (other than family and old friends) don't want to be bothered by me because they already have lives and friends and don't want or need to add me to their circle. I've always struggled with this one, which stems from a nagging feeling that people don't really like me, and they just pretend to because they don't want to hurt my feelings.
Do I have issues or what? I struggle with these ideas all the time. I constantly tell myself that I'm wrong, that I know none of it is true, but I never can get it completely out of my head. And of course, I assume that no one else feels the same way, since everyone has their shit more together than I do.
Took her for a ride for the first time in a long time last night. She's been out of commission in the garage for months due to one thing or another. But I finally got her going yesterday after work, and we went for a ride.
I love riding. I love the speed, the acceleration, the feel of all that power under me. I can't believe it took me so long to get her back on the road. Never again.
text message, email, twitter... my phone has internet so I can do all
of this at any time, anywhere. And I can instantly look up anything
that srikes my curiosity...
I'm addicted to information