Time to move forward

"Cause yesterday don't mean shit
What's over is over and nothing between
Yesterday don't mean shit
Because tomorrow's the day you have to face"

Pantera

My puppies are home!

One bright spot for me lately is that the two dogs my ex took with him when he left are back home with me. The ex is back in town, and his accommodations aren't sufficient to keep a 100 lb and a 60 lb dog. His intention is to leave them here temporarily until he has a place for them. My intention is they're staying here for good. He's just not stable enough to take care of them properly. And I fully intend to use any and all means possible to keep them here.

It'll be a few months before he leaves town again. Until then I'll just enjoy having my pups around again, and will try not to worry about what's going to happen when he leaves.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes

I've become addicted to my online world. I've gotten so wrapped up in it that it's affecting my daily life, my school, my work. I'm getting depressed, in part because of things happening with people I know almost solely from an online community.

I've met many local people online who are now my close friends, so it's not all bad. However, when it's affecting my wellbeing to the extent that it has been recently, the good no longer outweighs the bad.

I've decided to take a break from it. I'll still check messages, but for the most part I intend to stay offline until at least the end of the semester. I have to regain some perspective and refocus on my life here in the present.

Where's my magic wand?

I want one of those magic wands fairy godmothers have that fixes everything. I suppose I'd settle for a fairy godmother to wield her own magic wand. She'd make my ex realize he needs to let me have our two dogs back because he can't give them a good living environment. She'd find me a funny and intelligent vegan man who's madly in love with me - and gainfully employed. And she'd wrap it all up by getting me a job doing something meaningful with my writing or photography skills - one that I would generally look forward to doing.

A bit of a tall order maybe - but I think I deserve it.

Now... how does one go about acquiring a fairy godmother?

First Holidays Alone

These will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays as a single person in 18 years. I guess I didn't think it would bother me this much, but the closer the holidays get the more I feel alone.

I'll be seeing the ex sometime soon, and I'm both dreading and looking forward to it. I dread it because I'm afraid he'll be able to tell how I'm feeling and will feel sorry for me, or worse think I miss him and am pining for him. I look forward to it, because I look fabulous compared to the last time he saw me. Even in my current state of melancholy, I'm happier than I was when I was with him. I'm definitely healthier - and over 20 pounds lighter.

It's not just the holidays... I've been distracting myself from facing the fact that I may be alone for a while. But I can't avoid this reality any longer. It's possible that I may be alone for many months, even years - perhaps for the rest of my life. Even if it's not likely, it's possible, and I need to come to peace with that possibility. Otherwise, I'll never truly be happy.

Improvement

After a full week of some pretty shitty days, I finally feel like I've turned a corner. I haven't had a bout of depression like this for a while, and I'm glad it's finally easing.

I've worked through some things I was avoiding looking at. Life has a way of shoving them in your face however. It's necessary to recognize the difference between coping mechanisms and crutches, and when it's time to put them both away and stand firm to face the world.

Funny things expectations...

They rarely work out the way you think they will. Which is why it's best not to have them at all. Unfortunately, I have the kind of mind that can't help but think and plan and dream ahead. I always build up expectations in my mind, little scenarios of what might happen. And things almost never work out the way I imagined.

It's not always a bad thing, but when it is I sometimes get unreasonably upset about it. It's as if I'm mourning for something that never existed, and probably never would have existed. I've had one of these recently, and that combined with the shortening of the days, the coming of the holidays, and who knows how many other factors, have all combined to put me in a very melancholy frame of mind.

I'm feeling the lack of a companion pretty fiercely these days. I know I will find someone eventually - I do know this. It just seems as if there are so many overwhelming barriers in the way. Half of them I've put up myself because I'm not willing to settle this time around.

I want Mr. Right. And he'll be vegan, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, funny, silly, and madly in love with me. The trick is finding him. And I know from experience that when you're looking too hard for something, you can look right past it - or worse, convince yourself you've found something you haven't.

So I'm plugging along, doing my best to be patient and just let things happen as they will... but I'm still lonely. I don't want to be. I want to be strong and independent - someone who doesn't need anyone. But my heart just wants someone to love, and to be loved by. Pathetic.