I've had more than one person tell me they think it's brave of me to put myself and my demons out to the general public in the way that I do here. I suppose I can see why they'd think it brave, but it really doesn't feel that way.
It does lead me to wonder why I feel compelled to put my demons on display. Obviously I get something out of it... we rarely continue doing anything in our lives that doesn't reward us in some way or another. But what exactly? It's not as if my posts here always paint me in a positive light. Far from it. I'm always somewhat surprised when someone tells me they've read my blog, and are still interested in getting to know me. I generally want to ask them, "You do realize how screwed up I am, don't you?" But, as I was recently discussing with someone... I've come to realize that everyone is "absolutely bat-fuck bonkers" (his words). We're all just crazy in different ways.
So why the compulsion to lay my psyche bare to the world? There are a couple of things I can think of... First, I've always been able to work things out better when I journal them. And this is basically an online journal. It works better than carrying a paper one around because I can post to it from anywhere as long as I have either my phone and a signal, or internet access. And second, by exposing these thoughts to the light of day, I weaken their grasp on me. It is because I've put all this out in the public blogosphere that I've realized that everyone has demons. Many, many people have read these posts - both friends and strangers - and the only feedback I've ever received has been supportive and complimentary, or commiserating or concurring with what I've written. (How d'ya like that for alliteration?)
I link to this blog in my profile on an online dating site - a move that the same someone referenced previously described as "a little heavy." Although it is less a desire to be honest, as he suggested, as it is a bit of a shortcut. This is me. It's not the entire me, but I think anyone who has read much of it has a fairly good impression of the sort of person I am - at least part of who I am. It provides some of my back story... the sorts of details someone could spend months learning about me. Also, if someone has taken the time to read much of this, and still wants to get to know me - perhaps even wants to know me more after reading it - they're probably more likely to be interested for the right reasons.
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2 comments:
I think the thing is that it seems to me that you're doing yourself a disservice: by pointing people at your demons and not a lot else (besides your ability to write about them well), you're hiding the humor, wit, and sense of play that comes out in your email.
I guess I can see viewing this as trial-by-fire, screening out people who have a problem with the demons - but it also runs the risk of skewing an overall perception of you and possibly running off some people who are great but also are uncomfortable with topics that deep so early.
Obviously I'm cool with it, but I think you're both deflecting some positive attention that would probably do you good and also making part of the early interactions be about those topics - and that's not necessarily the best thing for early interactions when you really just want to find out whether you can have fun together, not necessarily whether you can handle each others' deepest darkest fears.
Shrug... just my couple o' copper. I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just trying to provide a contrasting view. :)
I have to say that I never intended it to be so focused on the darker side of me... I think it's ended up being so because that's when I feel most compelled to write - when I'm working through something difficult. And I've had a lot of difficult stuff to work through since starting this blog.
You're right that it doesn't give much access to my happier, more playful side. And that's something I've just recently begun to think about - thanks to your feedback here and in our email conversation on the subject.
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